The Big Disagreement
I’ve made mention before that my husband and I weren’t in complete agreement about our educational choices, but we did have a pretty simple compromise. But what happens if you and your spouse are 100% at odds when it comes to educational decisions? What if you feel very strongly that homeschooling is the only option for your family, but your spouse very strongly feels the opposite?
While originally we did not have this conflict, after a few years, when our second child started begging to go to public school, my husband felt pretty strongly that we should let her. Here is what I learned from that experience, and from talking with others and how we handled the disagreement, vs. how I wish we would’ve handled it.
What We Did
When my husband first said, “Let’s let her go,” I may have lost it just a little bit. I honestly took it as a personal attack. I thought my husband was agreeing with her because he didn’t think I was doing a good enough job or because he doubted my abilities. Crying and yelling were definitely part of my reaction. But then I hit a shutdown point where I just said, “You know what?! Fine! Let her do it!”
And so she went. But I harbored anger and bitterness like you wouldn’t believe. I criticized every single thing that happened and it was NOT a good experience.
After she, my husband, and I all agreed it wasn’t working, and we brought her back home, we were able to really sit down and do what I wished we had done better in the first place: Talk.
The Education Debate
My husband, my daughter, and I all sat down together and took turns expressing our views.
My daughter liked a lot of things about public school: she got dessert every day, got to see her friends, and had something that was “hers,” that her sisters weren’t a part of. They were legitimate concerns. But she missed being with her family and strongly didn’t like getting up early. She also complained that several parts of school were quite boring. The times that they were reteaching what she already knew were especially disliked.
My husband wanted our daughter to have some say in a decision that affected her so greatly. He nor I were given any choices regarding our education and he didn’t think that was right. He also wanted her to be able to interact with more kids her own age.
I wanted our kids to really learn and excel academically. I had seen the failures of our local schools and I did not want our daughter to become the next statistic. I also didn’t like having to make our schedule meet the school’s. It made planning trips, and sometimes even every day life, a lot more challenging.
After we all had said our peace, we tried to discuss how we could come about finding a compromise that would appeal to everyone.
We ended up deciding to homeschool, but use a co-op for more social interaction. We also let our daughter join a local theater group and did not allow her sisters to join. This gave her the freedom of having something of her own. And yes, we started having dessert a little more often.
So What Should You Do To Resolve The Disagreement?
If you and your spouse cannot agree on how to educate your kids, here are my suggestions.
– Ask a lot of questions. And I mean a lot. Find out why they feel the way they do and how strongly they feel about it.
– Explain your own reasoning.
– Hear what your kids have to say.
– Find a way to compromise.
If a compromise honestly cannot be reached, consider agreeing to try each method for a certain amount of time such as four weeks, or three months and then meet again to re-discuss what was learned.
Disagreement Is Tough
When you are at odds with your spouse, it is very easy to simply want your way. But in the grand scheme of things, the constant fighting between the two of you is probably worse for your kids than finding a compromise that meets everyone’s needs. Be respectful, understand things from the others viewpoints, and work together to find a compromise. And whatever you do, don’t forget to include your child in the conversation.